Rope and Violence

If the only way to love you is to let us die 

Drive the car right off the cliff and let us dive 

And it’s not to say that I wanna live without you 

But I will if I have to 

— 

A couple years ago, “quiet quitting” at the workplace was a huge topic of conversation. Everyone was posting about the phenomenon of people disengaging from their jobs, doing the bare minimum to collect their paycheck until they finally moved on. They’d already quit their job on the inside, but they hadn’t quit out loud.  

Something I’ve realized recently is that this happens in relationships, too. Romantic, platonic, no matter how you define it: one day you realize that someone who used to be a big part of your life just… isn’t anymore. The daily text messages have turned into once a month, if you’re lucky. Time spent together is brief or nonexistent. You haven’t had any sort of big blowup or talk about no longer seeing one another – there’s no evidence that you’ve done something wrong, but in your heart, deep inside your gut, you know that things aren’t what they used to be.  

And you don’t know why.  

Maybe they’re hoping you’ll get the hint and pull the plug for them. Maybe they’ve just gotten so busy, so caught up in the minutia of life that they don’t even realize they’re not connecting with you anymore. Maybe you have done something, but rather than expend the energy to have a conversation about it, they’re doing a slow ghost out of your life.  

I’ll admit that I’m pondering this from both sides of the coin; I’ve absolutely done a quiet quit on more than one relationship. And I’ve had plenty of people slow fade me in return. And when it happens enough, you can’t help but wonder – Am I just that easy to leave without saying goodbye? 

Quiet quitting in relationships is easier in that the pain is less acute, but is it actually any less painful? Not really. The hurt has time to mature and grow deep roots in that dark soil you’ve buried it in. It metastasizes. You think that by doing a gentle Homer-Simpson-into-the-bushes fade away from your relationships that you’re sparing yourself, the other person – but all you’re really doing is ensuring the pain will continue for far longer than it might have otherwise with a clean break.  

A loud declaration, no matter how terrifying it might be, is ultimately what people deserve. Even if the explanation is that you’ve grown apart or feel like you just don’t connect the way you used to. I think it’s a brave and wonderful thing to let people go and move on cleanly.  

Of course, I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m not an expert. Clearly. I struggle with confrontation just as much as any other ADHD-riddled millennial. But I think I want to be done with it. I think I want to remove quiet quitting from the table when it comes to closing out my relationships. I’m working to trying to stop accepting this kind of treatment from others. If someone wants to quit me, that’s their prerogative – but I’d prefer they did it to my face, in a timely manner, so the soul of our connection can rest in peace.  

— 

Tie the anchor to our feet and say goodbye 

Throw a match into the bed and start a fire 

If the only way to love you is to let us die…